Feeling Lost at 40

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched [Elijah] and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. There he went into a cave and spent the night. And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
1 Kings 19:7-9

I turned 40 this past weekend. Isn’t that nuts?! I was really depressed and stressed out about it leading up to my birthday, but now that I’m 40, it’s not that bad. I think I was afraid my bones would start breaking and all of my hair would fall out the morning I turned 40. Also, I think I was under the impression that by 40, I should have my life all figured out… which I don’t. But I’m kind of okay with that. If God were to ask me, “What are you doing here, Al?” I would reply, “I’m kinda figuring that out too.” But there is some reassurance that the number “40” has a lot of significance in the bible and appears repeatedly throughout Scripture. Moses lived quietly as a shepherd for forty years before he led his people out of Egypt; the Israelites wandered in the desert for forty years before they reached the Promised Land; Elijah fasted for forty days on his way to Mt. Horeb; and Jesus fasted for forty days before He began His world-altering ministry. “40” represents a time of testing, waiting, and wandering. So if you’re under 40 and you feel kind of lost, that’s okay because that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Tensions in Transitions

“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Exodus 31:8

Transitions always made me tense. Leaving a job, starting a new job, moving homes, having a new kid in our family, or starting a new church. There’s something about transitions that’s nerve-wracking. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that there are so many unknown factors that come with big changes in life. The verse above is a good reminder for us that during the tense times of transition, God goes before us and He walks with us. As God was leading the Israelites out of slavery and into freedom in the book of Exodus, it might seem like freedom is something gladly welcomed by all of the Israelites, but slavery was the only life that the Israelites ever knew. There was a familiarity and comfort to slavery and something frightening about freedom. This is precisely why God reminds His people that He would never leave them or forsake them. Whatever season of life you’re in, remember to not be afraid and not be discouraged for God goes before you and He will be with you.

The Gift of Forgiveness

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32

The only time I ever got suspended from school was when I was in junior high. When I was in 8th grade, I moved from Echo Park Los Angeles to the sleepy town of Diamond Bar. Being the new kid in school I was still figuring out all the social norms in this suburban silo. One of my new ‘friends’ Robert asked me to do him a favor and hold onto some fireworks he brought to school. Foolishly, I agreed to this boneheaded request. Word eventually got around that Robert brought fireworks to school and he eventually admitted to the school principle that he gave the fireworks off to me, which led to my suspension. Robert felt extremely bad about what happened and profusely apologized to me, to which is quickly said “don’t worry about it.” As weeks went by, I found myself talking a lot of trash about Robert to everyone I knew calling him all sorts of names. Eventually, Robert was given the nickname “Robert the Rat.” Looking back now, I realize that I had never actually forgiven Robert. While my words might have said one thing, what I carried in my heart was another thing… unforgiveness. This unforgiveness left me feeling bitter, angry, and malicious as Ephesians 4:31 states. When Jesus commands us to forgive others, it’s primarily because He wants us to be kind and compassion and be free from the burden of hatred. Forgiveness is a gift for the forgiver more than the forgiven.

Facing Perils on Hallow's Eve

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
–Psalm 23:1-4

Happy Hallow’s Eve! Many people do not realize that the name Halloween came from ‘Hallow’s Eve’, which is the day before All Saint’s Day (Nov.1). This morning, a pastor friend of mine thought of me and sent me this beautiful candid prayer from Thomas Merton. It served as a source of encouragement for me and I hope that it serves as a source of encouragement for you.

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” –Thomas Merton

Irony of Happiness

Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be joyful.
Proverbs‬ ‭16:20‬ ‭NLT

Actor and comedian Jim Carrey famously said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.” Psychologists have been studying the topic of happiness recently and have come to some interesting discoveries. Ironically, those who pursue happiness as an ultimate goal have difficulty finding it. Interestingly, the more self-centered a person becomes, the less capable he/she is of being happy. Happiness, therefore, is a byproduct of a life worth living. This is typically found in living for a purpose greater than oneself, living a shared life with others, and living a life of generosity. Psychiatrist Dr. Lahnna Catalino noted, “Letting go of wanting to feel happy all the time encourages less self-consciousness about happiness. This may be helpful because many peak, pleasant experiences, characterized by total absorption in an activity are marked by a lack of self-awareness.” In other words, in order to be truly happy, we need to think about ourselves less. Maybe Jesus’ command to “love God and love our neighbors” is actually the best way for us to live a happy life. For more on this topic, you can read this article on “A Better Way to Pursue Happiness” by Dr. Catalino.

Let's Start Over

Do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent His rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those He loves as a father the son he delights in.
Proverbs 3:11-12

I’ve had a handful of odd jobs throughout my life such as video rental store clerk, busboy, and boba shop manager. One of my favorite random jobs I had when I was in college was drum instructor. The one student I taught had learned drums on his own by watching drum instructional videos. However, he missed one key detail of drumming… how to hold the drumstick. He was gripping it like a baseball bat when he should’ve been gripping it like a tennis racquet. When I showed him the proper way to hold a drumstick, he said it felt like he was starting over because it changed the way he played. But over the course of a few months, his drum playing improved drastically.

Often times, in order to improve we need to start over. These kind of moments are necessary in order for us to get to the next level, especially in our spirituality. They’re often difficult, frustrating, or even painful sometimes. But in the end, we will improve drastically.

I Got Royalty and Loyalty Inside My DNA

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:9

This verse has always been one of my favorite verses in the bible since I was a teenager but I never knew why. The more I meditate on it, the more I realize how some of the words can seem paradoxical, particularly the two words ‘royal’ and ‘priesthood.’ For most nations, these were two unique roles designated for two distinct groups of people. Typically, those who were royalty were born into a family that granted them this privilege through no work of their own. Those who were priests were trained and groomed to carry on this unique role of a priest. One group was born into it and one was trained to become it. Yet, in 1 Peter 2:9, the followers of Christ are described as both… “a royal priesthood.” As a teenager reading these words, there must have been something about this identifier that grabbed me, especially since I struggled a lot with depression and anxiety growing up. Perhaps you may be tempted to define yourself to a mistake you made, something terrible that happened to you, or a name someone else gave you. But God reminds us we are His royal priesthood. We are royalty and we are righteous because we are His people.

Hemorrhages, Shame, & Grace

The woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at Jesus’ feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched Him and how she had been instantly healed. Then He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”
Luke 8:47-48

Have you ever experienced grace when you really should have received condemnation? The story of the hemorrhaging woman is just one of those stories. A woman with a longterm condition of hemorrhaging was desperate for healing. So she fought through the crowd to touch Jesus clothes, at which she was instantly healed. When Jesus noticed this, He asked the crowd who touched Him. Fearful of being condemned, she stayed silent. But when she realized Jesus was waiting for her, she confessed to the act. She was rejected, ostracized, and despised her entire life so she expected nothing less from this young radical rabbi Jesus. To her surprise, Jesus said, “Your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” This is the kind of God we have... He gives us grace when we should be condemned, He heals us when we should be turned away, and He gives us peace when we know nothing but turmoil.

God's Grace in Herniated Discs

“So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.”
Genesis‬ ‭32:24-25‬

For the past 1.5 years, I’ve been living with an annoying herniated disc, which causes sciatica down my left leg. It’s not painful, but it’s constant and nagging enough to be a minor inconvenience in my life. It reminded of this strange story in Genesis when God wrestled with Jacob and injured Jacob’s hip. This wrestling match was a significant shift in Jacob’s story. After Jacob’s wrestling match with God, God changed the trajectory of Jacob’s life; God even changed Jacob’s name from Jacob (which means freeloader or deceiver) to Israel (one who struggles with God). It’s a reminder to me that when God’s grace first appears in a person’s life, it often doesn’t feel like grace; it can even feel painful. I’ve yet to see how my herniated disc plays a role in my own story, but I’m trusting it’s God’s grace in the making.

Worshipful Doubt

When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.
Matthew‬ ‭28:17‬

Many Christians are familiar with Matthew 28:18-20, which is known as the Great Commission. It is Jesus’ final charge to the Disciples before He ascends into heaven. But the sentence above is the verse immediately before the famous last words. This little sentence is packed with layers, complexity, and humanity. “When [the Disciples] saw [Jesus], they worshiped Him; but some doubted.” This tells us that followers of Christ can have a thriving and worshipful relationship with Jesus but still have doubts! And the doubts the Disciples were experiencing were not whether or not Jesus truly resurrected or if Jesus were the Son of God. They probably doubted Jesus’ plan; they doubted their own future; or they might be doubting their own safety. Most of the doubts we experience are not extreme doubts like, “Is God real?” Not all doubts are created equal. But because we don’t have any outlet to express these questions and struggles, we think all doubts are detrimental. The doubts that people of faith often experience are nuanced, specific, or contextual to their personal situation. May we not shy away from doubt, but rather, lean into them. Because Truth can never be threatened by doubt; Truth can only be enhanced by it.