Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Romans 5:4-5
Yesterday I had a difficult spiritual care in the hospital visit with a 25-year-old male. He was a former gang member who’s been living in a nursing home for the last four years because he was shot six times. While he was struggling with bouts of depression, anger, and confusion over the course of that time, he also did a radical 180º shift to turn his life around toward God and away from a life of crime. But as he was sharing some of his “shadow” thoughts and feelings, he kept saying phrases like, “But I shouldn’t be saying that,” or “But I don’t want to question God.” I surprised him when I responded with, “You can totally question God.”
It made me realize that I thought very similarly to him when I was in my 20’s; very binary. “I can’t be both devoted and doubtful. I can’t be trusting and scared.” But now as I’m getting older, I realize I can hold these seemingly opposite feelings or concepts together. As we progress through life, we grow the capacity to hold these conflicting and wayward concepts together in tension within the same space of our hearts, minds, and spirits.
This is why I drew this diagram in my journal last summer. And the quote on top of the diagram is from one of my favorite recent books, “Falling Upward” by Franciscan Priest Richard Rohr.
“To hold the full mystery of life is always to endure its other half, which is the equal mystery of death and doubt. To know anything fully is always to hold that part of it which is still mysterious and unknowable.” –pp.111-112
